


A Freudian Analysis of Knitting

by ComplicatedLight



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Freudian theory, Gen, If a theory's not testable it's just a weird story Sigmund, In Vino Veritas, Knitting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 05:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4551729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ComplicatedLight/pseuds/ComplicatedLight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James has had a bit to drink</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Freudian Analysis of Knitting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Willowbrooke](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willowbrooke/gifts).



> 1\. If you find mention of male genitals distressing, this _really_ isn't the fic for you.
> 
> 2\. Willowbrooke - I'm thinking this is a bit of a weird one to be giving to you as a present - I hope you don't mind!
> 
> 3\. Thank you to owlbsurfinbird for such quick and encouraging beta reading!

They’ve put away two bottles of Merlot between them, though James has drunk the lion’s share; he's about as sozzled as Lewis has ever seen him. He's lounging on the sofa next to Lewis, with his big, stockinged feet on the coffee table, and he's been rambling very entertainingly for the last hour or so. He’s covered a lot of ground, including his views on why ironing will never be an Olympic sport, and—Lewis’ personal favourite so far—why cooking with coriander should be criminalised. 

James has another mouthful of wine, hiccoughs, and then points at Lewis. “Did you know, Freud thought that women like knitting because they want to make more public hair to hide the fact that they don’t have a penis?”

 _Bloody hell! Where did that come from?!_ “Is that right, Sergeant? _Public_ hair?”

James frowns at him, confused. “Yes! Public! Pubic! You know what I mean—you always know what I mean. Freud thought that women get very sad because of their lack of penises. The plural isn’t penii, by the way. Lots of people think it is.”

Lewis shakes his head. “You sure Freud actually knew any women?”

James shrugs. “Don’t know. I’ll look it up tomorrow.” He leans towards Lewis, apparently intending to share some other gem, but then slowly topples sideways, like a lanky, felled pine, and ends up slumped against Lewis’ shoulder. He wriggles to get himself comfortable there, and Lewis hasn’t the heart to shove him off. 

Another hiccough. “ _I’ve_ known women.”

“Good for you.”

“And men.”

“I see.”

“ _And their penises_.” This is said in a stage whisper.

 _Oh dear God_. “Very happy for you, James. Perhaps I don’t need to know all the ins and outs, though.”

James sniggers. “You said ins and outs, like—”

“I know what I said, Sergeant. Already regretting it!”

“Sir, do you think men with little penises like knitting, too? You know, to cover their—little penises?”

“James, could you stop saying the word _penises_?! Bloody hell, man!”

James goes quiet for a minute, and Lewis thinks he might have dozed off; which, under the circumstances, is a ruddy blessing. But then he hears a soft _ohh_ , and James points to where their feet are resting on the coffee table in front of them. “You’ve got big feet, haven’t you, for your height? You know what they say about men with big feet—”

“ _Sergeant_.” It’s a warning growl. He really can’t be having this conversation.

“No, I know. I’m just _saying_. Ashuming”—he takes another run at it—“ _assuming_ there’s an established link—I mean, someone’s got to have gathered data, haven’t they?” He giggles. “ _That_ ’d be a job; measuring penises and feet all day!” He loses the plot completely for a minute, presumably as he tries to imagine that particular research assistant’s lot in life. But then, he gets himself back on track. “If we just ashume— _flipping hell!_ — _assume_ —for argument’s sake that there _is_ a link between foot size and penis length, then I’m just saying: you’ve got no reason to take up knitting, have you?”

 _Jesus!_ Lewis rubs his face with the hand that isn’t squashed under his sergeant’s heavy, relaxed body. “No, James. I suppose I haven’t.”

James snuggles further down against Lewis’ shoulder and sighs contentedly. “I’m glad you’ve got a big one, sir.”

And with that, his sergeant finally does fall asleep, happy in the knowledge, apparently, that his DI has a penis of impressive proportions. 

_Christ Almighty_. If James remembers any of this conversation when he wakes up, things are going to be awkward, even by his standards. In the meantime though, there’s nothing to be done, so Lewis allows his eyes to close, and listens to the slow, steady rhythm of James’ breathing, and wonders—not for the first time—if his life would be rather more straightforward with a more _typical_ DS. 

As if on cue, James murmurs something unintelligible in his sleep, and Lewis can only smile to himself—who is he kidding? He wouldn’t change his sergeant for the world.

**Author's Note:**

> In his lecture on Femininity (1933), Freud states that the main inventions or contributions women have made to civilisation are weaving and plaiting(!!!!!!!!!), which Freud did indeed view as ways of coping with penis envy! I've extended the theory to include knitting - which I don't think Freud actually referred to in this context: [lecture quoted here.](http://www.haverford.edu/psychology/ddavis/p109g/freudfem.html) It may not come as a surprise to learn that I'm not a huge fan of Freudian theory!
> 
> Very sadly, there is currently little empirical support for the hypothesis that foot size is related to penis length: [summary of research here](http://mentalfloss.com/article/29487/it-true-what-they-say-about-guys-big-feet)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Continued Forensic Analysis: Knitting, Wine, and Shoes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4555893) by [owlbsurfinbird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlbsurfinbird/pseuds/owlbsurfinbird)
  * [Analysis of the Analysis (aka What the Sigmund...?)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4574088) by [wendymr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendymr/pseuds/wendymr)




End file.
